Torn Allegiance

Posted by L K

Chris bought me a horse about 3 years ago as a Valentines gift. She came from the racetrack and is a thoroughbred. Her racing name was Torn Allegiance, but I renamed her Alley.

I was a novice rider; she was not trained, except for racing, which was a dangerous combination. She is huge, 16.4 hands.

In the first year I had her I fell six times. None of the times I got seriously injured. The first time I was a bit concussed, but I was fine again after a week.

During this time I stayed in Welkom in the Free State. Chris and I battled with infertility. We desperately wanted a baby but nothing happened for years. I went for countless infertility treatments, artificial inseminations, and belly button injections the works. Then my doctor in Welkom said we won’t ever have children and he could not help us anymore. (Yes, he said it just like that, how discreet.)

Alley became my “baby”. I spent at least 3 hours every single day with her. Grooming, riding and playing with her. She was my life. She understood me and comforted me when I needed comforting. We learned together. We loved together. We missed Chris together. (During that time Chris was working in Potchefstroom during the week and he only came home on weekends or when the Ovulation Monitor predicted ovulation.) Horses are such sensitive creatures. No one will understand if they haven’t experienced it themselves.

Chris and I started to go to Medfem Clinic in Bryanston, to see Dr. Johan van Rensburg for our infertility problem. By now I was really fed up with the whole process but Chris refused to give up. I had another laparoscope and was diagnosed with Endometriosis stage II. It was removed with laser.

By now everything they did was just another procedure and didn’t give me any hope at all. I was so used to it all already and I have accepted not having children. I had my horse and my husband. I was happy; I didn’t miss anything in my life. (Or so I made myself believe). I loved living in Welkom.

Then I fell pregnant. (I will tell you more about the miracle on the day we found out in my next post)

I was not allowed to ride Alley anymore. Chris wanted me to move to Potchefstroom immediately. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. But I moved and Alley moved with, to new stables. Her stabling costed us
R3 500 per month, and because I couldn’t ride, and was scared she might jump on me while I’m pregnant and hurt the baby, I didn’t go to see her often anymore.

I found a new love.

My baby. I decided to give Alley away a few months after Zander was born. The woman I gave Alley to was the ex girlfriend before me of my ex. She promised to look after Alley well, and gave me full access to Alley whenever I like. I liked the thought of that, as it didn’t sound so final. (I could never sell her to someone not knowing what become of her.)

I haven’t been to see Alley again, all this time I’ve been in denial.

Until yesterday when she posted photos of Alley on Face book. It broke my heart to see her again. I don’t easily cry or show emotion, but in privacy I shed a tear or two for missing Alley. I’m still wondering whether she blames me for giving her away and for not being there for her anymore. I might build up the courage to go see her some time - how suitable the name Torn Allegiance to this situation…

I will always love you, Alley.

Alley and I busy with a lesson


  1. Karen said...

    It must be very difficult! Thanks for sharing the story!

  2. Yvonne said...

    This is such a sad story! PLEASE go visit her - I am sure she will be delighted to see you again. It does sound like her new owner loves her very much - maybe that is some comfort?