So Blessed

The day we found out I was pregnant, as promised in yesterday's post:

I woke up the morning of Sunday, July 26, 2008 and did a pregnancy test like so many times before, not really anticipating a positive result. Already thinking what I'll say this cycle when everybody asks: " Are you pregnant yet?”


See, that was what pissed me off the most. My mom would call at the end of each cycle (yes, she somehow worked it out and knew when that was!), and ask me whether I'm pregnant yet. I mean, ffs, if I were, wouldn't I tell her, and EVERYONE else?????

Many people were so damn insensitive while we were trying to conceive. We got advice like: "Just relax and it will happen." RELAX??? Haha!! How the hell was I supposed to relax when everyone's breathing down my neck all the time?? When medical bills are skyrocketing??? (For some reason medical aids don't see infertility as a medical problem, so most of the stuff related, they don't pay.)


I came to a point where I refused to visit most people with small children. I just couldn't bear it. In my mind and heart I gave up completely. I even convinced myself I don't want a baby anymore. But Chris was persistent. We were fighting a lot about this. How funny that they call it "making love", when all we did that time was fight because I was sick and tired of having to "make love" at times when the fertility monitor or the doctors ordered us to.
To get back to the reason for this post:



I can only remember a few things about that ceremony. At one stage the speaker said that God asked him to mention that there's a couple in the church who's been battling with infertility for a long time and spent a lot of money on it, and that they will have a baby within the next year. Chris and I looked at each other, shocked, but not convinced. What's the chance God would send us that message? In and NG Church??? So to validate everything, as we were very sceptic (we are only human after all) we went to the front after the service to speak to the speaker.

There was a lot of people there, waiting to speak to the speaker and were just standing around, waiting for our turn. Suddenly he walked up to us and said, "You are the people I was talking about regarding the infertility". (Validation number one)

I nearly fainted. We informed him that we just got a positive result that morning. He then asked if he might pray for us. By now I was crying like a baby for some unknown reason. He had his hand on my stomach and prayed for God to protect the baby and not let him tore loose (?). We didn't understand what he meant with that, but assumed it was because I had a horse and have been riding every day for the past year and a half. We decided that I wouldn’t ride while I'm pregnant.

In hindsight we realised what the speaker actually meant that day didn't have anything to do with horse riding. Zander was born via emergency caesarean at 36 weeks from placental abruption. In other words, the placenta tore loose. (Validation number two)

Alley became my “baby”. I spent at least 3 hours every single day with her. Grooming, riding and playing with her. She was my life. She understood me and comforted me when I needed comforting. We learned together. We loved together. We missed Chris together. (During that time Chris was working in Potchefstroom during the week and he only came home on weekends or when the Ovulation Monitor predicted ovulation.) Horses are such sensitive creatures. No one will understand if they haven’t experienced it themselves.

Chris and I started to go to Medfem Clinic in Bryanston, to see Dr. Johan van Rensburg for our infertility problem. By now I was really fed up with the whole process but Chris refused to give up. I had another laparoscope and was diagnosed with Endometriosis stage II. It was removed with laser.

By now everything they did was just another procedure and didn’t give me any hope at all. I was so used to it all already and I have accepted not having children. I had my horse and my husband. I was happy; I didn’t miss anything in my life. (Or so I made myself believe). I loved living in Welkom.

Then I fell pregnant. (I will tell you more about the miracle on the day we found out in my next post)

I was not allowed to ride Alley anymore. Chris wanted me to move to Potchefstroom immediately. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. But I moved and Alley moved with, to new stables. Her stabling costed us
R3 500 per month, and because I couldn’t ride, and was scared she might jump on me while I’m pregnant and hurt the baby, I didn’t go to see her often anymore.

I found a new love.

My baby. I decided to give Alley away a few months after Zander was born. The woman I gave Alley to was the ex girlfriend before me of my ex. She promised to look after Alley well, and gave me full access to Alley whenever I like. I liked the thought of that, as it didn’t sound so final. (I could never sell her to someone not knowing what become of her.)

I haven’t been to see Alley again, all this time I’ve been in denial.

Until yesterday when she posted photos of Alley on Face book. It broke my heart to see her again. I don’t easily cry or show emotion, but in privacy I shed a tear or two for missing Alley. I’m still wondering whether she blames me for giving her away and for not being there for her anymore. I might build up the courage to go see her some time - how suitable the name Torn Allegiance to this situation…